#115 – Moët Hennessy • Louis Vuitton

Years ago, marketers figured out that correctly branding a product allowed a company to charge four trillion times as much, and that bogans would still purchase it. Some companies were better at pulling this off than others, with the concept of European prestige appearing to resonate particularly well inside the cavernous chamber of the bogan skull. This was despite the bogan’s only experience of Europe being a 12 day vomit-packed blur aboard a Contiki bus.

In the late 1980s, the scattered configuration of European luxury companies began to clot into a magnetic lump of bogan joy. Moët et Chandon, Hennessy, and Louis Vuitton were brought under the one roof, and more and more additions were made after then. The French parent company believed it had uncovered the ultimate formula for savaging bogan bank accounts, and they wanted to do it with as many brands as possible.

Indeed, the bogan is willing to send itself deep into the pit of insolvency in order to acquire LVMH products. Female bogans display 100% interest in Louis Vuitton products, and are willing to pay 20% interest to Mastercard in order to bolster their egos in this manner. The male bogan is not immune either, as it is prone to spending $3,000 on a TAG Heuer watch, another LVMH brand.  TAG Heuer understands the bogan’s warped concept of mateship, and the brand has conspicuously stuck with its multimillion dollar sponsorship of disgraced, soon-to-be-forgiven sport star and adulterous womaniser Tiger Woods. This increases the bogan’s desire to purchase the watch.

Even though the bogan rarely drinks champagne, and has no idea of the difference between a subtle, effervescent drop and $5 sparkling Sauvignon, it will celebrate occasions by conspicuously swilling a $70 bottle of Moët. It does this out of its deep compulsion to live like a celebrity, and it will retain the empty bottle in a prominent position in its house for many months. The bogan will loudly describe the experience to anyone who will listen. It is not interested in other brands, unless someone has told it that its favourite celebrity drinks Veuve Clicquot. However, the bogan is even worse at pronouncing that brand name, meaning it will generally stick with either its Mowee or Mowert.

LVMH has spun numerous other sticky webs to trap any airborne bogan bucks. Brands such as Marc Jacobs, DKNY, Fendi, and Kenzo have been known to penetrate the bogan’s oversized Christian Dior sunglasses… the parent brand of the entire LVMH empire. This galaxy of glittering brands has sent thousands of bogans broke. At this point, they will run from the tax department… by jumping on Jetstar to Bali or Thailand, where they will purchase five different knockoff Louis Vuitton handbags, three pairs of Dior sunglasses, and a duty free bottle of Moët.