The bogan likes talking about things it never intends on doing. Loudly. The bogan’s love of killing things is manifested in many ways; oversized pets, burning fossil fuels, paintball, and glassing cunts, but perhaps the most devoted bogan love is talking about joining the army. For there is nothing conceivably more maxtreme than talking about shooting an x-treme gun, in x-treme temperatures, in countries and terrain that it is x-tremely unaware of. All in the name of the most x-treme of all causes, National Security. The very thought of talking about defending its shores and bestowing freedom to some funny brown coloured people feeds its highly strung temperament like a tonic distilled from crack. The merciful warrior, the apotheosis of freedom and soldier of peace simply cannot wait to talk about joining the Armed Forces. Once its back recovers.
The bogan cannot actually join the army for a multitude of reasons. Whilst the appeal of driving an enormous armoured vehicle is certainly undeniable, the bogan’s normally unwavering enthusiasm for killing things seems strangely lacklustre when it comes to actually enlisting and becoming the thing. Upon deeper reflection, the reasons for such paucity of endeavour become even clearer. Neither Iraq nor Afghanistan boasts clubs where it can get loaded on Jagerbombs and glass cunts. But it fails to realise that both countries have abundant quantities of real bombs and its inhabitants can quite easily shoot cunts, should they so desire. There is also the issue of a distinct lack of flesh exposure amongst women in these war torn lands. The bogan knows this and doesn’t like it.
The bogan is never one to stray too far from its comfort zone, and the army requires it do too many pesky things that get in its way. In a curious discord from its usual pit of ignorance, the bogan it seems, realises that joining the army is nothing like being Jason Bourne. Or Matt Damon, for that matter. The bogan concludes this landmark glimmer of introspection by inwardly vowing to go and work in the mines, while continuing to verbalise a feigned plan to surpass Australia’s victory at Gallipoli.
Things Bogans Like 
I’m waiting for the 2/13th Jetski division. Then the bogan can be fully sick whilst killing c*nts in Phuket.
Simon,
Maybe they Ary will develope its own Rock and Roll Band ? Get with it instead of all that Trad Brass .
Oh, James Hunter, with your almost encyclopedic knowledge of music perhaps you should enlist as musical director of our armed forces.
The Bogan would happily join the Army,
if he could skip through basic training
& all the bad bits montage style.
Like in the movies.
Team America, genius.
Or if they can skip straight to being Gunnery Seargent Hartman!
Simon,
Speaking of Team America.
Maybe an Army Cycling team with Cadell Evans as an Honory Commanding Officer?
Oh, James Hunter, and speaking of team building exercises, maybe you and Circus Buzzard could entertain our armed forces serving overseas. That’s a fairly big maybe, James Hunter; entertaining ’em that is…
they’d have to prove their loyalty by…
do you guys have robot drones yet? that’s like videogame style war. tempting…
We’ve got Kyle Sandilands!?
Brim,
We do not have big drones like Global Hawk but I believe we have small (Israel Built I recall) ones in Afganistan.
going on past defence purchases, we’ll get your hand-me-downs in a decade or so.
PeeBee,
If it is like the JSF/F35 then even the yanks wont get it for a decade after it was supposed to be delivered.
It is only the reason we had to buy Super Hornets from the yanks. Their delivery on our JSF’s is looking like forever.
Most of the bogans I know are too slack to consider it. But I can see why.
The ANZACs were the original mischievous Aussie backpackers, witness the 1918 victory party the Lighthorse held in Egypt… It got so much out of hand that 22 years later the 2nd AIF wasn’t allowed in Cairo for leave while whacking Rommel down the road at Alalamain. I think the Kiwis were allowed, but in doing so they started a trend of disassociating themselves from their boorish Aussie counterparts whenever it suited them.
Yep, many young aussie lads joined the war effort to pick up chicks, see the world and defeat the Germans by Christmas (with maybe a few cool scars)
In Cairo nearly half the AIF got VD, thought the officers were setting them up so torched the Cairo red light district. I recently brought a 200 page book on the bogan antics of the Aussies in WWI
Great Granddad Balls did the family proud over there.
Also explains why the family on Mums side still get coldsores
ooohh…what’s the book called? I would like that.
I have a heap of letters that my great-uncles sent home from the middle east during WW1. I’m guessing they were bogans. Sounded like they were anyhow. Does the book name names?
Many believe that their epic skills at such games as Modern Warfare, Battlefield Bad Company and the like instantly qualifies them for jobs as snipers, SAS Troopers, paratroopers et al. When actual soldiers laugh at them and tell them of hard work, starting at the bottom and much effort to attain those positions suddenly it all becomes a bit too hard…
I can inform you that several bogans of my acquaintance have joined the military over the years. So at least some bogans do more than just talk about joining the ADF.
However, I can also reveal that not one of them lasted longer than two years.
“Medical discharge” (read: the recruit doesn’t cut the mustard and he has trouble with the discipline but he hasn’t done anything to actually warrant being drummed out at dawn with a dishonourable discharge, so we’ll just find some psychological diagnosis with the most tenuous basis and get him the f#$k out of the ADF, and he hates the place anyway so he’s not going to complain about being labelled a nutjob) appears to me to be the most common way of disposing of bogan soldiers who simply don’t measure up.
Ummm… or more likely they had the shit beaten out of them and were thrown down the stairs and were released on medical grounds due to his back being throttled….
“an admin problem”
There are an awful lot of Holden SS Chevy utes on army bases.
No doubt… but I reckon anyone who has the guts to join up and stick with it is at least just a bit above the instant-gratification type bogan we’re making fun of here…
I think so too.
there’s plenty of dickheads in the services no doubt, but getting through the first year just to get to an infantry battalion will take a lot of edges off you.
plenty of dickheads, but not many fμckwits.
if that makes sense.
FINALLY!
As a proud serving member of the Australian Army I have been waiting for this ever since I discovered TBL. TBL has teasted me with passing references to wanting to join the army in other articles.
You wouldn’t believe how many times… I get “I was going to join the army but…” when meeting strangers and they find out what I do for a living, as if they have to justify themselves to me, which in one way feeds my ego, but in another way gives me the shits, knowing in my line of work I may potentially die defending their way of life
Stjepan. Is that a Norweigan name?
We don’t want terrorists in this country. I’ll be watching you.
Worse, it’s a Croatian name. For those with short/no memories/reliance on Wikipedia for knowledge, Croatians are the worst terrorist threat Australia has ever had (from a non Aboriginal perspective).
Nah, we like you lot. You have nude beaches that our backpackers defile.
That’s your penalty for the unpleasntness.
do they call you Tito?
I knew a croat (who was also a stjepan) in the army and they called him tito.
AJs
lol
anyway weren’t the Mesurians our greatest military threat?
They call me a Serb/Yugo and because of my last name Boz/BoziBoza etc.
I got Borat for a bit when the movie came out
And whenever there is a problem at the soccer, I get asked what I was doing on the weekend
The Missourians are our greatest perpetual threat
Having just spent 16 years in our most Boganic institution, I feel that I am qualified to say, “What’s not to like?”
Government subsidised housing.
Free health.
Free dental.
A cheap line of bike pants for your missus to wear to the shops.
It’s like being a Houso, but with a job.
It’s a good excuse to get a Southern Cross tattoo.
Cool Latin Corps mottos that make Maxtreme tattoos.
Compulsory parades held at the Unit Boozer during work time.
And if you become a Mechanic, you get to work on (and maybe even drive) the Army Burnout Car at V8 Supercar events!
If you are a Bogan that thinks they are above everyone else, you get to carry a sword too!
Point of order.
There are still clubs in Iraq where you can get smashed on Jagerbombs. Mate works in Basra and he reckons the bottle shops have armed guards so all can still get their grog. The good folk of Iraq love their piss. At one stage the security was withdrawn so in response the owners shut the doors. Public outrage ensued. The guards were put back in their rightful position. Allah bless the Iraqi bogan.
As for glassing carnts I don’t know. I’m guessing there is no easy marks in Iraq.
Filum I have seen in Iraq shows precious little glass. Most of it has already been blown up. Maybe they clay pot their carnts? The ones with Chev badges on their camels.
Excellent point. Mate says they drink out of huge cans. 500ml beers.
Allah bless the Iraqi bogan.
Ah, so they do have massive cans under the robes.
Careful.
That’s the sort of statement that gets Norweigans like Stjepan all het up…
We’re going well Mick, racist and mass murder jokes in one night!
Garçon Moar wine *snaps fingers*
Cut me some slack Simon. Back to the moines for me tomorrow.
Racism and mass murder aren’t jokes there. There will be lots of talk about Cadel Stoner as well.
I expect a report on what moine bogans think of Casey Evans efforts and if they watched all 21 stages.
*raises glass to Mick*
I have a Gang of Four or a Fall somewhere to go with your fugazi. I might have left it with my dead kennedys?
there’s a sebadoh here while you’re waiting…
riding song!
I’m happy for him but I couldn’t give much of a fark Simon.
I guess I’ll see him in a cereal ad soon advocating being a healthy bogan. Can’t wait.
F$ck you.
I just spoke to Cadel. He said get farked Martin. How do you like them apples?
After having had about 10000 apples during my childhood it takes a great amount of willpower to eat them. I’ll leave them to the healthy bogans that want to eke out an existence until they’re 100. Or just die at a normal age anyway.
F$ck you and your brown rice.
This is what happens if you don’t eat brown rice.
cadel webster?
didn’t he win the GP?
happy digginz.
A Godwin’s on all of you.
Off topic, how long before bogans start proclaiming ‘Our Cadel’ and saying how much they love cycling, notwithstanding their diligent efforts in trying to road rage them ‘lycra wearing poofs’ at every opportunity. Short term sales boom for cycle shops and medium term work for baby namers as Cadels (or Kadels) start appearing in roughly 9 months time. By the way good on the guy however the bandwagon jumping shits me, sorry. Many hyperlinks to previous posts here and preaching to the converted I know
we were just saying similar recently.
lots of cheap flash second hand pushies and snowboards coming to a Trading Post near you.
“Fark orff, you lycra-wearing poofs!” – French TV crew
It you’re a fan of le Tour you’ve probably seen this a dozen times but dammit, it’s still good for a cringe and much gnashing o’ cankers. Stupid frogs. Jealous of the Spaniards and their sporting supremacy. Not to mention our Nederlander mate popping a cartwheel into a fricken barbed wire fence. Since your career in television francaise must be over, driver, I wanna see you at Bathurst later this year… or at least on the streets of Melbourne, where, with that form, you’ll fit in beautifully.
Yeah, that farking Cadell, proof that farking Aussies are the best at abso-farking-lutely farking everythin’. Seriously, we’re best at footy, an’ rugby, and farkin Cricket, and swimmin’ of course, and now a rool Aussie hero’s proved we’re the farking best at that cyclin’ shit as well…..
What’s that? Yeah, bought me a bike. Nah, not a motorbike, but one of them fings our Cadell was ridin’ in the Tour de Frog…. Yeah, bicycle. If I train hard, I reckon I’ll be able to farkin’ well race it in six munfs. OK, might not be as good as our Cadell, but it’s in our Aussie farkin genetics. How bloody hard can it be anyway? You seem them lycra carnts out on the road every farking day.
Fark me that was hard. Had to ride up a farkin hill. Wish ya could put a proper V8 in these shitty tin things. Bloody slow too! Plus ya’ know, was ridin’ along, and this car what came by tried to farkin’ run me ova! The carnt! ……… Whaddya mean, was I wearin’ a helmet in case I got knocked off me bike? Ya don’t need to wear the farkin’ things. They don’t help anyway, I read an article in the paper about how they’re dangerous ….. whaddya mean that was dis-credted? It was in the paper!
Get outta me farkin way ya dumb lycra carnt! Don’t ya know the roads are for farkin cars, not that dumb bike shit….. Who the fark is Cadel Evans anyway?
Yeah, that farking Cadell, proof that farking Aussies are the best at abso-farking-lutely farking everythin’. Seriously, we’re best at footy, an’ rugby, and farkin Cricket, and swimmin’ of course, and now a rool Aussie hero’s proved we’re the farking best at that cyclin’ shit as well…..
What’s that? Yeah, bought me a bike. Nah, not a motorbike, but one of them fings our Cadell was ridin’ in the Tour de Frog…. Yeah, bicycle. If I train hard, I reckon I’ll be able to farkin’ well race it in six munfs. OK, might not be as good as our Cadell, but it’s in our Aussie farkin genetics. How bloody hard can it be anyway? You seem them lycra carnts out on the road every farking day.
[two days later – after going for a bike ride]
Fark me that was hard. Had to ride up a farkin hill. Wish ya could put a proper V8 in these shitty tin things. Bloody slow too! Plus ya’ know, was ridin’ along, and this car what came by tried to farkin’ run me ova! The carnt! ……… Whaddya mean, was I wearin’ a helmet in case I got knocked off me bike? Ya don’t need to wear the farkin’ things. They don’t help anyway, I read an article in the paper about how they’re dangerous ….. whaddya mean that was dis-credted? It was in the paper!
[two weeks later – drivin’ the yoot]
Get outta me farkin way ya dumb lycra carnt! Don’t ya know the roads are for farkin cars, not that dumb bike shit….. Who the fark is Cadel Evans anyway?
Gold! Mind if I pinch it for the Bogue & Boguette Show? 😉
Go for your life 🙂
I probably had Bogue in mind anyway!
Occasionally the hardcore Boagn will join the reserves, only to find out that the platoon commander is their social inferior (a graduate student) their Platoon sergeant is a copper and their secton commander has being in for a few years and has low tolerances for arrogant arseholes that want to fat arm around on ANZAC day telling kapooka warries.
About the same time they discover they can be piss tested for last years designer drug, they stop showing up for parades resulting in a administrative discharge that don’t the bogan to actually front the boss man-to-man and say they want out. The next time you see the Bogan is at Young and Jacksons the next April wearing a AIRN badge on the lapel of a cheap Roger Davids suit, talking shit to his civi mates about his otherwise inglorious 18 month stint that involved 3 weekend and a couple of Tuesday night during the Footy off-season.
His inability to remember soldiers first names due to a combination of his own arrogance and limited time on exercises getting to know his fellow diggers , see’s the desperate bogan trying grain creed in front of his girlfriends by attempting to introduce Shazza and Mick to “Henderson” only to get told to fuck off. Once Bogan realises he’s outnumbered by uniforms by a ratio 320-1, he lingers off never to be seen again
And probably gets a couple of punches to the face by real diggers who can see through his bullshit
or in a tizzy about getting spurned like a rejected lover, amazingly recalls and then applies the one thing he remembers from IETs and with the help of his civi mates, springs an ambush on some hapless choco pogue at two in the morning at a taxi rank.
And then pleads “PTSD” from his ummm ‘army service’ along with some cock and bull story about muscle memory and instictive obedience at the ensuing court case
Recruiter: Then after 6 months of active duty, you are eligible to receive an ounce if weed.
Recruit: Sweet!
Recruiter: Then after 6 more months, a bunch more weed.
Recruit: Youre fuckin lying!
Name this movie….
The Onion Movie.
Took me a while to remember. Memory loss.
The lads at TBL could have benefited immensely from some compulsory national service.
I’m not one to buy into the idea that some form of compulsory military national service (as is still the case in many otherwise quite peaceful European nations) as necessarily a good thing: there are quite simply some young men or women who’d be useless in the Armed Forces and bring down the rest of the company they’re in.
However, I would consider the idea of a compulsory form of civic service for both young men and women, across a number of disciplines, rather than just solely military: I believe this would be very beneficial for the nation’s youth to have two years to participate in performing useful social, heritage, health and environmental services either prior to, during or immediately after tertiary or vocational training, with the military option available to those who so wish to do this. In broadening the base, this would accommodate those (like me) who are conscientious objectors to Army conscription, but still be compelled to perform something that will be of benefit to both themselves, as citizens and individuals, and to society at large, via instilling a useful (as opposed to jingoistic) sense of civic pride. Also something like this would be available to everybody, even those who are in some way incapacitated by disability and/or mental illness…if anything, something like this would perhaps confer a sense of purpose and direction to those otherwise left to the tender mercies of parents who are neither willing or able to purposefully steer their young adult children towards something that’ll put them in good stead as adults. Of course, there’d still be a form of compulsion and discipline required of the youth in each programme, but it need not be arbitrary nor punitive…just enough to ensure that each person will perform their tasks and conduct themselves in an appropriate and mature manner.
Maybe this is something to staunch the bleeding of boganism amongst our future leaders, workers, parents and taxpayers and perhaps, just perhaps, the “whatevr” attitude may not become the default state of mind of the next generation.
I believe it’s the case in Germany (at the very least) that you can avoid national service by doing volunteer work that benefits the community (such as what you mentioned) for the period of time where you’d be in national service (6 or 12 months, can’t remember).
My work mate worked in a hospital for his German national service. My Greek work mates who did their national service with the military pay him out and question his manhood even though they hated their stints too. I just sit back and feel smug that I joined on my free will, until the SF lads hangs it on me for being ‘just infantry’. There’s a point to this post, I forget what it was but.
It’s to tell us how much more maxxtreme you are than us, Blueballs.
and that the boganic ‘real man’ mentality exists everywhere.
Nah, thats not it… something to do with something the Greeks said, 24 hours on and I’ll still got no idea. Besides I’m the most underwhelmingly maxxtreme person on the face of the earth. In hindsite, I should’ve stayed on the farm instead of joining the army.
lazy. *
and it smells very familiar…
shortest. episode. evar.
funny but.
Army lol.
I was in the Army.
I’ve explained it before.
Infanteer, six years big bag of pot policeman wastrel and drifter
I think I was quite good at it, the irony is – I completely suck at Call of Duty!!! all the cool kids on Eckse Bokse live call me st00pid n00b and F#G. everyone calls eveyone f#g a lot on ekse bokse
anyway
Having been in the Army makes listening to bogans bang on about wanting to be in the Army all the more tedious. The same is true for being tattooed.
which reminds me…
I saw a sticker on a car today, which said
“F*@k your family!”
above it were four “personalised” stick figures in gallows
like hangman
*not that that’s a bad thing.
Respect. Takes some balls to have one of those anti my family stickers. I’d be scared my car would get keyed by a feral soccer mum.
Nice little rant going around on the subject. With nice little illustration too.
http://www.genxjourney.com/2010/08/06/family-stickers-suck/
Something worse to me is the replacement of the badging on the car with a name. Last week, I saw a Subaru with the name “Kelly” where the word “Forrester” once was. Anybody else noticed this recent phenomenom? (sp?)
….I have not….
but I do like the idea of a Land Rover Bloodfart V8i
but I’m pretty bogan.
I was long enamoured of the idea of buying my wife an TT pretty much just so I could alter the badge to her (IRL) initials KT.
MoarCaek,
How is the Puppy ? Hope it has recovered fully.
I spotted an AMG, inner Melb’ with ‘kompressor” replaced with Eliminator/ Terminator(?) something useless like that.
Cockless would have been better. Or Twat.
Masturbator.
I want one of those stickers.
Something else that needs addressing is the Snuggie.
Snuggies look like more like cult-wear than bogan attire…
Many alternatives to the My Family stickers
http://www.creepyuncle.com.au/
I’ve been waiting for this one. I love telling Bogans about the other 95% of
sh!t the army does that the movies and video games dont show. Hundreds of sleepless nights in the cold, hours and hours of cleaning guns and equipment. Sitting in classrooms learning the same sh!t over and over, marching around and around a drill square. If they’re still keen after this i just tell them that they have call officers “sir”. It goes against the Bogans DNA to show respect to others.
Good luck to the Bogans that do join the army.
Davo,
Do bogans rate Officers lower then women ?
I too was guilty as charged about considering joining the Australian Army, back in ’93 when I was all of 18.
I had been through something of a rough patch…I was at TAFE studying electronics, which was a consequence of dipping out of high school at Year 11 due to not being able to maintain concentration and having poor grades as a result (I was in all the top classes at that stage…Literature, Chemistry, Physics and both Maths classes, but conked out when my natural ability ran out, passing only Lit and Chem) and I was becoming bored sh¡tless there to the point where I’d join a few other ne’er-do-wells smoking billies across the road in the reeded swamp. I also broke up with my first serious girlfriend, so I was left reeling in late-adolescent heartbreak there and also has two (relatively minor) car accidents where I was at fault, so I was quite broke too. So the idea of committing myself to an institution where everything was mapped out for you with a skillset recognised in civvy street in return for discipline and hard work was quite appealing…I was never one to get into the whole “shootin’ big guns and be an action hero” fantasy; I rather liked the notion of going through repetitious drill sessions, learning to dismantle and reassemble a Steyr in your sleep and slogging out basic training until dog-tired, knowing that you’d be doing that the next day, week and month, rather than subjecting myself to the vagaries of life as a young man who had no idea what he wanted to do, of where he wanted to be. That’s how fücked my state of mind was; I just wanted to run away from myself really. I just didn’t want to think or feel anything beyond the immediate demands placed upon you when in the field.
I visited the recruitment centre and was given some information as to what to do: for starters, I had to lose 10 kg and be able to run a certain distance within a certain time (can’t remember exactly what it was), as well as have my wisdom teeth removed, as they were becoming problematic, prior to enlisting. So I gained fitness and lost weight, as well as having the wisdoms removed. However, by that time about three months down the track, I became less-than-enthused about the prospect of joining the Army and all that it entailed, now that some of my inner peace had resumed and some of my troubles were now behind me, so I quietly dropped the idea. Maybe not such a bad thing, given that unlike most as they get older, my views on militarism and peace shifted leftwards, so that would’ve increasingly become dissonant to my mutating beliefs. And besides, there were latent unresolved issues present at the time that become manifest in a later struggle with mental illness, so possibly being in that environment may well have pushed me to the edge; quite possibly I wouldn’t have even passed the psych assessment performed prior to acceptance, so just as well.
The only soldier I want to be now is a Soldier of Peace and Humanity.
One of yr finest, Turnips.
I too was on the verge of dropping out of high school – three times – and the only thing that stopped me was being threatened with death by my parents. (I’m not joking here).
Yr mention of mental illness makes me consider a future TBL post – Spurious Mental Illness. One of my ex-girlfriends is a psychologist, and recently she told me about the number of bogans she gets claiming some kind of mental illness. Often the reasons are practical – claiming compo is up there – but as often it coincides with some celebrity discussing their “struggle” with (insert illness here).
Gives me the shits.
The attitudes of bogans towards mental illness is worthy of a whole series of TBL posts, Ash.
The bogan’s views with respect to mental health are nothing short of schizophrenic (pardon the pun!)
On the one hand, people with mental illnesses are a bunch of “lazy shits”, “bludgers”, “psychos”, “nutjobs” and “have nobody to blame but themselves”. These are the kind of people who, during the recent federal budget, logged onto news.com.au, played with that website’s budget stimulator, and supported cutting funding for mental health to zero! (Don’t believe me? Check this out: http://www.news.com.au/money/federal-budget/help-can-you-get-us-back-into-surplus/story-fn84fgcm-1226046178866 )
Meanwhile, on the other hand, every time bogans or their kids are caught engaging in anti-social or undesirable behaviour or fail to cope with a little adversity in their lives, they are so quick to blame not themselves but, as you point out, some spurious mental illness. Funny how their prejudice and hostility towards “nutjobs” disappears. And bogans are usually such staunch defenders of the notions of individual responsibility and self-reliance. Of course, such notions only apply to people other than themselves.
And when the bogan does adopt the mantle of some mental illness, it makes things harder for those who do suffer a genuine disorder. Just think of ADHD, which is a challenging disability for those who do indeed meet the diagnostic criteria. Yet the credibility of their diagnoses are undermined by the massive hordes of people who are either self-diagnosed or improperly diagnosed.
Oh, and don’t get me started on the whole “addictive personality” thing. The bogan’s other favourite cop-out!
Oh yeah, the bogan’s confusion over mental health issues is a post in itself.
I should confess here – I have borderline personality disorder as well as mild manic depression (I hate the word bipolar). I basically can’t get a job without providing psychological reports to prove that I’m not a threat to anyone, and I have been given plenty of shit for it by some of my mental midget acquaintances who found out (never mind that BPD is not that well known amongst the bogues…yet). I also don’t take any medication because I find almost all of them addictive.
So it especially shits me when I hear/see bogans claiming spurious mental illness. The ADHD post was the only one to truly make me angry cause it’s so true.
I’m guilty too. I wanted to be an F-18 pilot until I was about 15 and then I discovered music and how corrupt children became when you threw sex and money into the equation. So fark fighting for those bogan dickheads.
If I had somehow managed to pass the tests to become a fighter/bomber pilot then I would have ended up in Iraq or something fighting for oil and for the likes of Halliburton and so on, which would have been pretty bogan.
There was also no base near Sydney that I could drive a short drive to. I was entitled to that. 8 years of service was too much as using the Air Force as a stepping stone to be a rich Qantas pilot needed to have occurred by the time I was in my early 20s.
At Ag College a couple of my mates joined the army reserve because beer was $1 per stubbie at the mess. I refused to join because I could not be stuffed with the marching etc for a cheap beer. Needless to say they lasted 6 months before telling the weekend warriors to stick their disipline.
Wtf is “Ag College”. Sounds like some sort of poofter college. I reckon you’re mates with Christopher Pyne.
I used to get $1 dollar drinks down at my local nightclub, they were just a squirt of piss with some coke in a little plastic cup but they were awesome. But then the older bogans banned it because they didn’t like people having fun.
Wtf is “Ag College”. Sounds like some sort of p00fter college. I reckon you’re mates with Christopher Pyne.
I used to get $1 dollar drinks down at my local nightclub, they were just a squirt of piss with some coke in a little plastic cup but they were awesome. But then the older bogans banned it because they didn’t like people having fun.
Sorry, for the slow around here Agricultural college. Actually I have had dealings with Pyney in my work. He has 3 of the worst behaved kids I have ever met.
Martin,
Most Ag Colledges dont turn out poofters. Mostly hard rooting ute muster champions in circle work
Not sure about that, I heard hair dresser to the stars, Joh Bailey went to an Ag College. On a scale from 10 to Liberace, he’s about a 3/George Michael.
Ag College? What, the Dogpatch campus with Professore Hunter? I’d be surprised if he didn’t neck the entire night’s quota of dollar drinks. If said drinks were schooies of Fruity Lexia, I’d bet my last devalued dollar on him inhaling the equivalent of a rain water tank’s worth.
Oooh, Simon, you went to the Lower Dogpatch Agricultural University Institute of Technology also?
Proud graduate with a diploma in Drinking Metho to improve your sex life.
Bastard. My UAI wasn’t high enough.
I have to go to a plebian institute of higher learning. Like Our Petey Boy.
Perhaps apply here. It has certainly started Pete on the road to interweb irrelevence.
http://www.Instituteforthesadandlonley.com.au
http://www.graphicshunt.com/images/you_are_a_loser-3020.htm
This picture of Pete that I tracked down may help explain his societal problems though.
i think that makes the top 3 for the best/worst mullets i’ve ever seen.
It’s certainly up there with Billy Ray.
Simon,
It is a great shot . Is that him in his Sunday Best ?
I do believe that is his “steppin out” attire JH.
Simon,
The good thing is that a rigg out like that will keep him out of the Ag Colledge.
I knew some of the Farrer boys and they would go out and kiss a cow if that turned up.
Simon,
I understand thet Pete Dweeb lectures at The Instute For The Sad And Lonley.
He takes “Bitter and Twisted 1.1 and provides free tutoring for other slow learners
Oh, James Hunter, don’t confuse everything else with your remedial English classes.
Dweeb,
How did you find out that I teach “English as a Second Language”(ESL) ?
Oh, James Hunter, with your level of the language that’s hardly a revelation, pops.
I’m not that much of a sad carnt yet.
Ash
Does this mean you aspire to being a sad and lonley carnt?
Ash if you get on the same path as Pete I promise to come and do the mercy killing myself.
Relax, Simon and JH, no need to kill or glass. I’m not there. I only troll /b/.
Oh, James Hunter, the next time Circus Buzzard takes its maxtreme entertainment on the road please give notify all with fair and substantial warning. Granted, your troupe of sub par carnies normally only pull audiences of snaggletoothed bumpkins from the provinces, but since you still probably need to pass through the city en route to the boonies (if only when you’re homeward bound) it means we’re still, at certain, albeit unfortunate, times, witness to the ghastly, stomach churning pageant of your caravan of horrors. As any right thinking man would doubtlessly tell you, James Hunter, by which I mean he’d keep schtum about it, being an unwilling spectator of the lower orders is not desired, demanded, required or requested. Learn from it, pops!
Who left the barn door open ?
Unfortunately completely true.
I think TBL got it very, very wrong with this entry. The Australian army is full of bogans! I live close to an army barracks in the Eastern suburbs of Melbourne and have seen many of the inhabitants at close range. Not all bogans are cowardly and lazy. You must also remember that despite the lack of flesh on display in many of the countries they must “protect”, there is plenty of flesh on display within their own ranks. Some of the stories of what went on amongst the fellow soldiers was interesting to say the least. Plenty to keep your average bogan amused.
Did anyone else see any of the Bogan holiday show Trouble in Thailand last night. It doubled nicely as guide to relationships through rohypnol abuse.
Classy stuff indeed.
I missed it due to being unaware of its existence.
I’m beginning to think that was an error on my part.
Bogan date rape show, gold. I saw a trailer on 7 for the date show with the dude who speaks like Inspector Clouseu, the bloke trying to get a root was from the Shire I reckon. Bogan squared!
I watched it purely as part of my Boganomics studies.
Its called research people. 😉
Following the success of Jersey Shore and the hype surrounding its UK counterpart Geordie Shore, painfully predictable Australian TV producers have come up with a uniquely Oz incarnation of the latest reality TV formula:
Heath Shore.
Come with suspended Collingwood playmaker Heath Shore for eight unforgettable weeks of clandestine sports betting, crack-o’-dawn swim sessions, morning gym sessions, afternoon training sessions, followed by his now-customary embarrassing press conferences, where he mumbles that he’s done something stupid, let his teammates down, let his coach down, let the fans down, let his family down, let the sponsors down, and let himself down. Then hit the town with Heath and his mates for a few drinks before sheepishly agreeing to let him drive you home… well, not all the way home… Our Heath will only make it a few metres before mounting the kerb and wrapping his ute around a tree. Then run with Heath as those f#cking police sirens blare forebodingly in the distance.
I know what you’re thinking: What about the titties, faux lesbianism and theoretical cunnilingus?
Wait til Grand Final night, where we’ll be hitting the Royal Saxon in South Yarra before busing a gaggle of hopelessly drunk part-time models to a swanky, mood-lit Port Melbourne apartment. Things is gonna get freaky, y’all!
And watch out for Season Two, which is more of a reality courtroom show.
Hosted by Fev?
Might have to get him out of his contract with Gold FM. Could be tough work. Nothing puts a spring in the step like hearing the Fevolution back announce Eye of the Tiger.
Can we get Lara Bingles tits in there somewhere? Even better sell it as a wild life show and feature her beaver. With MC Hammers classic as an ironic musical counterpoint.
Oh, and Panda, I’m onto you and your TV viewing habits.
It’s like Pink says;
“I got thirteen channels of shit on my TV to choose from…”
Wasn’t that Pink Floyd?
Tick, The Wall.
Ah, I thought you meant P!nk.
Weak attempt at fishing Friday.
Pink Floyd are the greatest band ever, heaps better that those hack Rolling Stones or Zeppelin. See how that goes.
I agree, and don’t get me started on the Beatles. I f*cking hate boy bands!
If you need to wind up any Sex Pistols fans you can use the Boy Band creation theory beautifully with them, they fit all the critieria.
Most over rated band ever? I nominate The Doors.
F*ck you Simon, the Doors, are you kidding……..oh
You’re wrong anyway, U2
Are U2 rated?
It’s hard to fish
in an empty pond.
Simon,
Indeed the pond is empty and dry .
Not even Pete is biting today.Pity as he is probably a big fan of “The Hollys'”
Pink Floyd revolutionised the album industry so to some extent the others were irrelevant.
Too right JH.
I see Pete as a Doris day kinda fella.
Simon,
Good call,
Maybe an admirer from afar of Julie Andrews ?
Can’t immagin Pete as a Captain in the German Navey though !
Oh, James Hunter, your musical knowledge fits on the head of a pin.
I should probably read a book, I’m only
reading 4 I think, I really should finish
at least one of them.
I can only do one at a time. I need to finish stuff. I end up reading most nights if I can’t find any sport worth watching. Or the wife has some tra.. I mean quality female programming she likes!
@ JH and Simon:
I can go with The Hollies solely on the basis of Graham Nash having come from that group, only to leave to join David Crosby and Stephen Stills to form CSN, who added the inestimable Neil Young to the fold soon after.
If Nash plays and sings (exquisitely) with Neil, he can’t be half bad, so we gotta thank The Hollies for that much and their harmony blend during his tenure, if nothing else.
KKK, you’ve got me thinking – what would be the appropriate Strayan version of Jersey Shore?
I know they tried to make some dreck version set on the Northern Beaches, but the bogues never really took to it.
I’m thinking Lebbo Coast, set on the Goldie and featuring a bunch of fully sik boiz and their bitchez. Basically our version of Jersey Shore, with the same racist tinge that made the original so popular in ‘Murica. I’d watch the shit out of that.
And before anyone tells me you could do it with ordinary bogans – that was the mistake with the Northern Beaches one.
You need a group who are easily recognisable by the bogan, yet different enough that they can point and laugh. Putting a bunch of Jaxxons and Maddysyn’s together wouldn’t do that. I would still watch it, but I’m not the target market here.
I like that Ash and you are right about bogans not wanting to see their own. You could do it with Kiwis though.
Hmmm, not a bad idea my brother in glassin’.
Choice bru.
How about just south of Sydney around Sans Souci and Brighton-Le-Sands and shit? I don’t know the area too well but it looks pretty sick mate, a bit of an old wog haven, plus it would give a laugh to the snobs because of it’s proximity to the airport, you could film the airplanes going by.
There’s some strip there where the fully sick wogs do mainies in their WRXs that their parents bought them. It was on ACA so I know and am fully informed.
Yeah, wtf were they thinking doing it on the northern beaches. Pretty boring bogans up here. They’re just meatheads whose lives are like Home & Away. They think they’re king shit because they go to the beach.
for a while they were playing barry manilow tunes at the car parks where everyone went to do burn outs trying to get rid of them. i think the locals complained the music was worse than the burn outs.
The Grand Parade on a Friday or Saturday night is wog heaven. It’s so fully sik it’s in a fukn hospital mate.
It would work, but you need them on holiday. That’s ordinary stuff for them. Take the average Grand Parade/Bay St weekender and put ’em on the Goldie is my idea.
A bit late in the day, I know, but it’s still Friday, so technically the latest episode of …
THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!
… has turned up on time. This week – Bogue goes to his compulsory anger management lessons. You can check it out here:
Or, we could just make B&B. Course, it doesn’t meet my criteria that they have to be kind of different from yr average bogue OFC – but they’re exaggerated enough that bogans themselves might watch and laugh along without getting the joke. After all, Sylvania Waters was a hit amongst bogues and non-bogues alike.
And Bogue in group therapy…harks back to the focus group episode, which frankly was too painful to experience more than once.
Thanks Urban, we need to cast the show now.
Bogue – Eric Bana
Boguette – Sophie Monk
Suggestions?
Boguette should be played by Lisa McCune. Bogans will watch any rubbish with her in it. Plus she’ll get the tuts out.
Bogue could be played by that bloke who impersonates Eric Bana inpersonating Chopper Reed. Him or that Shane Watson cricketer fella. He’s an outstanding example of macho boganism.
I was gonna say Dane Swan but half the folk here would say “who?”
Can I direct? I have a beret.
Can I bring the drugs to the set?
I can promise to pick them up, I just can’t promise they’ll all make it there.
Either Sophie Monk or Lisa McCune would work for Boguette. Sophie Monk would be better, though Boguette’s face is much more like Lisa’s.
Shane Watson might work for Bogue if he got a buzzcut and grew a face fungus and added another thirty kilos. Not sure about Eric Bana … I don’t know which entertainment personality could play Bogue, actually. Maybe Scott Cam if he was about twenty years younger.
The kids … Braiden could be played by Callum Jones from Neighbours? When I think of Aiden, I think of the kid in the bicycle helmet who appears in the picture associated with TBL #110: ADHD. I’m not sure who could play Jaiden and Kaiden. Though Jaiden looks a bit like that brat from that Sizzler ad who puts two slices of cheesy toast on his head and pretends they’re horns and shakes his head from side to side.
Rolf Harris could easily play the principal of the Holy Redeemer of Sacred Light Biblical Christian College. David Stratton from At The Movies would be a great fit too, though Rolf’s acting skills are probably a bit better.
Jason next door … Dunno. Perhaps Adam Cooper from Blue Heelers? Or any suitably tall brown-haired well-built thirty-something man with sunglasses perched on his hair who can play an outer-suburban spiv well.
Rebekkah’s just like Boguette, but a redhead … any suitable redhead bimbos in the Australian entertainment universe?
Are we missing an opportunity to give Warnie his drama TV debut?
Simon,
As a drama Queen ?
Yeh, the only gingers I can think of are Nicole Kidman, Isla Fisher and the old dragon from Home and Away. Not sure any of them work.
Either Sophie or Lisa need a dye job. She would certainly have a Brazilian so no need to worry about matching that up.
The thing is, Boguette isn’t actually a natural blonde. She has bottle blonde hair and jet black lashes and brows. So we’ll have to dye Lisa or Sophie’s lashes and brows black!
Isla Fisher might work for Rebekkah after a few bogan elocution lessons. Our Nicole, definitely not!
Get Isla Fisher, so we can have Sacha Baron Cohen do a cameo.
Sophie Monk as Boguette, Warnie as Bogue and have Warnie’s kids play any of Ai/Brai/Jai/Kaiden that they’re old enough to play. Keep it in the family.
So long as it’s not Alison Whyte, who played the haplessly ethical producer on Frontline and as a high-class escort on the Foxtel drama Satisfaction.
By all means cast her in an anti-bogan role, as someone who either picks up the pieces after admonishing them as a social worker. A talented Aussie actress and IMHO quite a dishy redhead to boot 😉
what about shevonne? should we give that role to everyone’s favourite celebrity lesbian, ruby rose?
No, No, No.
Sorry P’bee, she sh%ts me to tears. F*ckin useless hipsterbag atrocity.
i didn’t think the point of casting the b&b show is to find people who are actually likeable, though.
but i guess shevonne is the least unlikeable of the main characters, even if just because she pisses bogue off so much. so who do you suggest instead?
http://www.immaturecontent.net/?p=877
Josh Thomas agrees with me. Lets not give her airtime and you are right I suspect when Shevonne makes an appearance we will like her coz she sticks it up Bogue.
Casting? I’m trying to think of an actress I like, perhaps Bag’Os suggestion of Alison Whyte will work, she is good.
don’t know if i’ve actually seen anything she’s in and whether she’s likeable or not, but what about rachael taylor? she already has eyebrows that are a different colour to her hair.
She was in Frontline so has a bag full of brownie points.
Rachael Taylor, was she in Transformers? That one?
i haven’t seen any transformers films, simon – i’m not going to punish myself like that.
My wife made me, not my fault. Your policy re Transformers is a good one.
Michael Bay will never again receive 1 cent from me.
Mick,
Effi
would make a wicked bougette ?
Oh, James Hunter, Effi would not make a wicked bougette ? (sic).
There’s something about reading the thoughts of an imbecile that puts me in contact with two things: the first shows me where I haven’t come from and the second shows me where i’ll never go.
Oh, Peter Thornton, you turn me on at night.
You’re only human, Jew boy!
Oi, Simon.
TBL lurker Mike Carlton has suggested that your Cadel is Un-Australian.
Cadel Evans is a bit of a worry. Wonderful stuff in the Tour de France and all that, very glad he won etc, but he does seem to be letting down the side a bit. In fact, you could say that he’s trampled some of the cherished traditions of Australian sportsmen victorious on the world stage.
Firstly, he appears to be intelligent.
Secondly, he has not – so far as I know – fronted an in-yer-face ad for his own brand of undies. And thirdly, he seems to be modest and humble.
Up there on the podium at the top of the Champs Elysee there was no fist pumping, no snarl of C’mon, or Oi-oi-oi or whatever. There was just a quiet pride in his achievement expressed, amazingly, in coherent, grammatical sentences. Clearly, something has gone wrong here.
The other worry is his wife, Chiara Passerini, who is a classical pianist and a teacher at an Italian academy of music. I mean, really. What is wrong with the customary blonde-streaked, fake-tanned, part-time swimsuit model and hopeful actress from The Shire, all teeth and tits and an IQ struggling to get out of single figures? Something must be done about this.
http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/curb-the-hate-mongers-for-all-our-sakes-20110729-1i44k.html#ixzz1TfshwsVi
Hi Mike. We know you’re watching. *waves*
I read that in yesterday’s SMH, Mick, and chuckled. I love the reference to the bimbo trophy wife from The Shire – sure to get Ash’s glassin’ paws twitchin’! 🙂
Oh, and hi Mike, love your work, I really look forward to Saturdays! *waves* 🙂
Mick lives in bogan mine country. I don’t need to glass him. Some carnt will do it for me 🙂
Ya meant to be glassin Carlton not Mick ya carnt!
My apologies, how silly of me. *glasses Mike Carlton, but not too hard cause I like his work.*
Now *glasses Simon for claiming I was wrong*.
*Glasses Ash for claiming I made a claim*
Yep, cyclists ain’t no rugby playas, that’s for sure. One of the reasons I love the sport.
And 2GB hatemongers? Surely they have never been that moderate!
Hey look Simon, your mates are in the paper. The hotchickswithdouchebag guys.
http://www.smh.com.au/executive-style/fitness/all-pumped-up-but-tell-us-how-20110730-1i5cd.html
My glassin’ paw is busy tonight. *glasses douchebag carnts*
I’ve never understood the point of steroids anyway. Those things, for lack of a less obvious term, make you infertile and shrink yr cock and balls. What’s the point? Isn’t the idea behind getting huge to pick up as many chicks as possible – well, what’s the deal if yr hung like a 2 year old?
I guess that’s the faustian pact one makes when they abuse anabolic steroids…for all I care, they can look totally ripped and chained, but it counts for naught when their prospective paramour—palpitating in the pelvis prompted by peering at presumably perfectly pumped pectorals—then peeps and points at their puny pee-pee, palpably paralysed in peals of pejorative laughter at his misfortunate corollary of becoming hung like an acorn (apologies for parading my pendulous propensity for prodigious plates of periphrastic parlance placed in purple prose…I’m kinda sounding something akin to Jim Carrey’s PA in Mr Popper’s Penguins, who loves alliterating with P!)
No problemo, Turnips. Yr eloquence makes me feel insecure.
It still makes absolutely no sense to me. Unless they’re some kind of secret underground gay fetish group who get off on being fully huge everywhere but downstairs.
Where’s the original Viv? I need his knowledge on the subject.
F&ck you Martin, I’m trying to eat breakfast here.
So The Big Bank Switch is just a lead registry for mortgage broking, what a surprise. The Big Bank Switch will take a brokers fee from the banks, how immense is their community spirit.
Probably about as community minded as the large portion of bogans who would have joined up to it and are partaking in #85.
Good pick-up Panda. People who have borrowed too much fall for the Choice spiel, move there mortgage for bugger all savings and Choice gets kudos and commission.
I expected better from them. Choice are now no better then any of the other real estate spruikers.
Just come across this site recently and although I find it quite amusing, after reading through quite a few of the blogs, it could just as easily be called “Things Snobs Hate”.
Chris,
Come on, fess up which camp are you in, boagansd,snobs or us good ol guys at TBL
He’s definitely with the bogansd.
In other news I was at a pub in the rocks a few week ago, working my way through an overcooked steak and a pint while I waited for someone. I overheard a pair of bogans behind me discussing an article in the telegraph:
“Oi Bazza*, look at this”
-Bazza spends 3 minutes reading-
“Fuckin’ towelheads, you know this is what makes me angry right. I’m not a racist, but when our top blokes are getting killed by fuckin dirty arabs in dresses shit’s fucked”
“Fuckin’ ay Baz”
“Makes me wanna join up and go shoot summa tha cunts”
“Yeah we should mate, go teach em a fuckin lesson, show em what happens when you’re a dirty fuckin towelhead and ya kill an aussie”
-raucous bogan laughter ensues-
*not his real name, but a flattering pseudonym
Like an Attorney in a B-grade movie, I rest my case.