#149 – Homophobia

The bogan will tell you it is open and tolerant. To scratch the surface of this claim, however, is to uncover pure, 24 carat bullshit. When challenged in an argument, the bogan will search its vocabulary for a stinging riposte, fail, and settle for a synonym of ‘homosexual’. In bogan circles, this is as good as gold. The safety-conscious should note that synonym for homosexual has been used before every known case of glassing in Australia. The bogan will use similar terminology when in a state of confusion or awkwardness about something it sees as a threat, or doesn’t fully understand – whether that’s someone being smart, expressive, refined, or in any way diverging from suburban boganic orthodoxy. If the bogan doesn’t like something, it’s for pooftas, because the bogan doesn’t like pooftas or things that pooftas like. So during the bad times, when the bogan needs help in an argument, or merely comfort in unfamiliar circumstances, homophobia is there. The bogan male likes homophobia.

While bogan females may give more of an impression of being tolerant of different sexualities, do not be fooled. Its enthusiastic pelvis-grinding and occasional attention-hungry pashing on dancefloors is primarily an attempt to increase their appeal to heterosexual bogan males. Any approaches by genuine lesbians will be met with the same horror a bogan male would regard a gay male’s advance.

There are some notable exceptions to the bogan’s homophobia – gays who have been provided defacto non-homo status, generally for services rendered to boganity. This includes former rugby league star Ian Roberts and Ex-Idol Anthony Callea (although the bogan will quickly point out that the latter’s second record was ‘totally gay’). Often the bogan will signpost its tolerance and openness to different sexualities by being able to identify various gay celebrities, and potential others that it claims are yet to ‘come out of the closet’. The trashmedia kraken has trained the bogan in how to engage in this type of speculation.

But despite how it might try to hide it when inconvenient, the bogan’s homophobia is clear enough. If a straight male bogan is told that his hairdo is a bit gay, you can be sure that it will spend numerous minutes in the bathroom at the next opportunity, trying to carefully tousle the homosexuality out of his hair in the mirror, and fretting about whether his outfit is contributing to the problem. The bogan wishes to make itself as conspicuously un-gay as possible in life’s various sexuality challenges, including approaching the urinal in the most manly way possible, and staring at the best available blank space of wall whilst standing around naked during a footy trip gang-bang.